I had always been nervous when speaking to authorities. I
had to change that habit because it was a bad one, and not so beneficial to
myself and to the team that I worked with. I wanted to quit being nervous. I
reasoned out just like a smoker who is wanting to quit smoking would – what are
the harmful effects of my habit of being nervous? In other words, what do I
loose when I am nervous? And the list looked something like this: It would not
let me articulate what I had to; it would not let authorities notice me for who
I am, and it would make me lose out on recognition. So I tried real hard to
'NOT be nervous' only to find that nervousness continued showing up every time
I am faced with authority, each time in a different texture.
You could perhaps be on a similar engagement with
yourself to change habits, both small and big. If you are like me and most
other people, you would have quit working on habits, hoping they change on
their own, or expecting some significant event in life could possibly alter
your habit once for all, or you could be relying on a particular life stage
that would make your habit disappear – after all you are not the same person
you were ten years ago, for the good. All of the above stances of yours are
valid and most often they do alter you and make you better.
But I am going to propose a three step approach that will
empower you and me to alter habits of our choice. This is inspired by research
work done by Lahey and Kegan of The Harvard University fame, who published their
work in the book titled “Immunity to Change”.
1. Ask the right question
When it comes to changing habits, it is essential to ask the
right question. Ask what the benefits are, and not what loses or ill effects
are! What are the benefits of smoking? The fundamental premise is that we as
people will not engage in any behavior if there is no significant benefit in it
for us, though often the benefit is unconscious. So when I asked the
question ‘what are the benefits of being nervous when speaking to authorities’,
to my surprise I had a list of answers as follows: felt good and right about
upholding my value of respect to authorities; I felt comfortable in
acknowledging that authorities are more competent than I am; my nervousness
pleased them and I felt secured in pleasing them; and that I let them make
final decisions which enabled me to be free of responsibility, and so on. And I
realized I had more benefits from being nervous than loses! A smoker most often
enjoys benefits of being socially connected and related. Why would he want to
let go smoking? Makes sense, right?
2. Validate your fundamental assumptions
Now that we know the benefits of our habits, and hence
are no more surprised by the grip they have on us, we should move further to
explore the fundamental assumptions we hold on our perceived benefits. One of
the strong assumptions that I held was that ‘I respect authorities when I am
nervous’! Well, that does not sound valid, does it? Hence when I worked on my
assumption by reasoning that it's not the only way of being respectful, I
suddenly found myself staring at many alternatives to being respectful to
authorities - by paying attention, by acknowledging, by responding promptly to
requests, and by many more ways. Interestingly nervousness lost its stronghold
and appeal, in the context of what I really wanted to express through it –
respect.
3. Replace,
and don’t change
Now that I have alternatives, I just had to replace my
behaviour of being nervous with a behavior that has better benefits to myself
and to others in the presence of my authorities. You notice that I did not try
to change ‘being nervous’ rather, I only replaced it. And nervousness remains
as one of my options always, even today. But that does not matter because
science of evolution suggests, that which is not in use, would eventually
disappear, and that which is used consistently gets strengthened! And to use,
not to use, and what to use is my choice. I am empowered.
So we will never change – we will continue to be human
beings, and we should only look at moving on, moving forward, and transform in
ways that is beneficial to contexts of our work and life. Trying to change is
frustrating, but transforming is empowering.
We (at Bisykle) collaborate and work with teams and individuals to
surface the benefits and fundamental assumptions behind their habits, that
influences efficiency and effectiveness to deliver results.
